Grey and Blue

The symphony courses through me and oscillates to my heartbeat.

All of me is spread out like a field of yellow daffodils.

The charred night sky stands resolute as I stare at the empty womb of stars.

As Spring wind hit my face my face tinges and takes me moment of serenity.

Serenity and Restlessness stay side by side like two skies: Blue and Grey across the horizon.

A part of me still feels happy and yet another feels apathetic to all and within.

My soul is Saeglopur yet exploring seas of emotions within.

Who am I? I am but a weary wanderer on a journey from dust to dust.

What is life: An unending journey from Grey to Grey. From the moment the grey clears and you see your first to the moment you see your last.

But life, Life is filled with shades of blue, Patches of happiness sewn into this bland existence and making our life more than a series of random moments.

I wonder how we grow on and stop noticing the Blue after a while and bask ourselves in Grey and gloom.

We sink into these grey and hollow depth and are drawn into a quicksand of emotions.

Yet we walk past this blue desert into a mirage of grey which is ever fleeting. Without stopping by and realising that we are where we need to be.

I guess that’s what we need.

Blue and Grey,

An endless everfleeting journey for a moment of respite when it has always been there, all along: Under the Blue sky.

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D R O W N

I drown.

I sink in the paragraphs and lines of my own creation. I transcend into memories of yore; Of times of 5 Rupee Ice Golas and Street Side food. The times where I used to ride along on my Appa’s Hero Honda yelling at the top of my lungs “Appa, Faster.” Closed eyes and laughing; Showing all my teeth and a blue tongue.

But as I open my eyes, I see myself in another time. A time of neatly ironed uniforms, standing in a line and praying during assembly (But trying to open one eye and look at what my best friend was up to), A time of Amma’s cooking packed in dabbi; which probably will always be tastier than any “Fine-Dine” restaurant. A time of fighting with friends for silly reasons and naively believing that Undertaker came back from the dead 6 times (Or was it more?). A time of waking up on Sunday mornings to catch Shaktimaan on DD1 and Cat-Dog on Nickelodeon.

As I drowned further, I saw myself writing down formulas and diagrams. A time of hard work and running away from it to read Ender’s Game during chemistry Pre-boards. A time when I disappointed myself and my teachers with a marks on a piece of paper which perhaps would forever be my identity as 85.5%; No 95+ Halo. But two digits which gave me a frown from all but my Amma. The time I realised one can never have what one desires but at the same time could never truly make Lemonade from life’s lemons.

Then I tried to breathe. I was here again. Living in a city of Silicon; A place where bodies were sold on the streets and knowledge was sold in pretty classrooms in overpriced colleges. A time of placements, CV, Internships, Research and other words which were shoved down my throat, A time when I am given a pair of running shoes; Transformed into a rat, shown the track and told to keep on running and “keep on solving” .

“Why?”

Is this necessary?”

No replies as I stare at a faceless crowd which too runs. Runs for Money, Power, Ambition and Sex. “Do I want to do this?” I shake off such thoughts from my mind and keep on running till I reach The Promised Land.

Is it worth it?”

Perhaps. Perhaps not. I might never get to eat a gola and make my tongue blue in corporate cubicles. I might seldom or never have Amma’s uuta as I gobble down with etiquette some overpriced salad in some restaurant .

What can I do? I am a Drowner you see, I could never swim.

A part in me still longs for sunbaked happazha on a sunday lunch with family. To feel the sunrays on my face as I wake up at 10 AM. I want to feel the wind on my face and go back when I was a kid. I want to be free. I want to unbounded by these shackles and expectaions. To be just me. To lull my demons to sleep and sneak out into a world of simple faces with smiles.

 

But what can I do? I must drown. Drown again, into these sheets and numbers.